here i am, trying to clear my mind and vision too perhaps. there are thousand and one things all rambled up in my mind that i have to say but need to sort them out first and hopefully bring the right words out.

'heated debate.. the way i said i wanted it to be'.. so i see..it wasn' that convincing afterall. it's single sided.. it wasn't meant to be hurtful, but apparently it turned out to be. didn't know that it would cause such pain. i'm really sorry. as i've always know, i'm a really sucky person. especially to people who are closer. it just seems that i'm never doing or saying the right things/words. words tend to turn out harsh even since the past. i know that by saying that's the way i am is just an excuse, but besides that, there's nothing more i can say. that's why sometimes i truely dislike myself. i really do.

got to admit that there was anger when i first saw what was written. but sadness has now taken over and it's overwhelming. i know you're trying very hard to move on. i know it very well. i really do. i tend to avoid mentioning things that will remind you of it as well. we are all battling with fears now. we are afraid. afraid of wrong words, wrong actions, heading into a wrong direction, things turn out to be wrong. many fears and worries. maybe they're weighing us down. maybe.

i'm sorry again for doubting. it wasn't supposed to be bad. just concern. perhaps because things were never said or put acrossed or even the lack of contact, hence doubts set in. doubts and assumptions have their chance to invade as words are left unspoken. and for that very same reason, i chose say those things. and maybe that explains that letter too. i don't know. all were said in the hope that they don't come in too late, which often lead to regrets.

was reminded of a story earlier in the night. it left me in tears not too long ago. a breif summary of it:
a man was sentenced to death for the murder of his mother's abusive lover. since he was young the lover would beat him for the most ridiculous reasons. his mum would always help to beat up the boy. on one of his birthday, he was beaten again. since then, he had lost hope in his mum. hatred overtook fear. he didn't want to allow his mum to be with him at his death sentence. he rather have his treasured teddy bear there then his mum. that was how much he hated her. but in the end he found out that his mum didn't abandon him. in fact whenever she beat him up, it was to save him from harsher punishments. and whatever that was 'remained', his mum will get it from her lover.. his mum was there with him in his last journy. but words were left unspoken for too long. truth came in late.

i've got to agree with you that we've hit a rough patch. we are all totally cluelss of what can or should be said and done. maybe it's a time to test how strong the bond built in the past 7 years truely is. it's real dark and we all can't see the road ahead. we're losing our grip as well. if the hands are not strong enough to hold it on, we'll all get lost in the complete darkness. tighter grips in need.

sorry for the pain caused by your lousy friend here.

it might be a chance for me to do self-reflection on the whole issue and soul-searching. beginning to get confused. no longer clear of what i'm thinking, what i'm feeling. can no longer think properly. it's all in a whirl.

1.30am